YOU MIGHT BE THE KILLER

YOU MIGHT BE THE KILLER (2018). Co-written and directed by Brett Simmons. 

Chuck (Alyson Hannigan), a clerk in a video store, gets a frantic call from her buddy, Sam (Fran Kranz), whose family owns a camp that is 25 miles from nowhere. According to Sam, someone has killed nearly all of the counselors in gruesome ways and is trying to burn him alive in his cabin. Chuck, a horror film fanatic, asks Sam if he ever considered that he could be the killer. Early on we learn that Sam is indeed the killer, but he's decimating the counselors because of a mask with demonic propensities. Chuck warns Sam that of the counselors who are still alive -- very few -- one of them is bound to be the pure "final girl" who puts paid to the maniac. Could it be the lady who dumped him, Imani (Brittany S. Hall), or sweet, virginal Jamie (Jenna Harvey)? It seems that Sam's fate might be sealed ... 

You Might Be the Killer, a very black comedy, benefits from some good acting from the cast, especially Kranz as the hero, and Hannigan as his blunt and unflappable buddy. There are some good sequences, and a couple of minor chills. Although some fans complained the film wasn't gory enough, we get severed arms, heads chopped in half, decapitations, and the

like, making this as gruesome as most slasher films if not quite as bad as some. The trouble with the film is that all the flashbacks make the film choppy -- no pun intended -- and eventually quite tiresome. Despite some energy and all the bloodletting, You Might Eventually Be the Killer runs out of gas early on and eventually becomes an effort to sit through. At one point Sam advises the counselors not to run off because they will get lost in the woods and there are snakes and so on, but surely they drove to the camp on a road and could take it back to civilization? But movies like this are hardly ever logical. 

Verdict: More or less professionally done, but slasher films -- be they black comedies or not -- should never be boring. **. 

INVASION OF ASTRO-MONSTER

Ghidorah, the 3-headed monster, on the loose!

INVASION OF ASTRO-MONSTER (aka Monster Zero; Godzilla vs. Monster Zero; Kaiju daisenso/1965). Director: Ishiro Honda. 

Earth has discovered a new planet, Planet X, beyond Jupiter and send astronauts Glenn (Nick Adams) and Fuji (Akira Takarada) to investigate. There they find seemingly friendly aliens of Oriental cast whose world is constantly besieged by Ghidorah, the flying three-headed monster. If Earth will permit them to transfer Godzilla and Rodan -- who battled and defeated Ghidorah previously -- to Planet X, the aliens will give them a serum that will eliminate all disease. Earth's famous monsters are taken to Planet X, but the world soon learns of the aliens' duplicity. Unless they agree to be ruled by them as a satellite of Planet X, they will destroy the earth with the aid of the three colossal monsters. Meanwhile Fuji's sweet sister Haruno (Keiko Sawai) learns that her nerdy boyfriend Tetsuo (Akira Kubo) may have come up with a way of defeating the aliens. 

Nick Adams and Akira Takarada

Well, one thing you have to say for Invasion of Astro-Monster is that it's certainly colorful, and not nearly as awful as most of the Japanese monster flicks (of which Rodan was one of the better ones). Nick Adams, herein billed as "Nikku Adamusu," (as if anyone would think he was Japanese!), actually gives a perfectly good performance, exhibiting his trademark intensity and grumpiness. Although Adams was born in Pennsylvania, his accent sounds like he was raised in Brooklyn, and it sounds funny hearing his real voice in this Nipponese movie. Adams has the best line, after Fuji voices concern that Rodan and Godzilla will be left behind on Planet X: "Hey, those two have caused us enough trouble! Don't worry -- they'll find their way!"

The aliens of Planet X

The other actors, including Kumi Mizuno as the mysterious Miss Namikawa and Yoshio Tsuchiya as the Controller of Planet X, are all good, and some of the FX work, including many miniatures, is decent. Godzilla, as usual, looks and acts pretty stupid, but the other two creatures are a bit better. They are basically kept in the background until they have an all-out battle towards the end of the movie. 

Verdict: Fun enough if you can tolerate sixties Japanese monster movies -- otherwise, avoid! **1/2. 

BARON BLOOD

Pitiful victim of Baron Blood

BARON BLOOD (aka Gli orrori del castello di Norimberga/1972). Director: Mario Bava. (This review is based on the American print.)

Peter Kleist (Antonio Cantafora) arrives in Austria to be reunited with his Uncle Karl (Massimo Girotti), as well as to investigate the castle of his 16th century ancestor, Baron von Kleist, said to be a monster known popularly as "Baron Blood." When Peter discovers a parchment with an incantation that can raise the baron from the dead, he stupidly reads the words aloud, to the consternation of Eva (Elke Sommer of Ten Little Indians), who is helping to restore the castle. It should be no surprise that they succeed in bringing Baron Blood back from the dead, and then the corpses start piling up.  

Antonio Cantafora and Massimo Girotti

After the hanging by Baron Blood of the man who was going to turn the castle into a hotel, it is auctioned off to the highest bidder, who turns out to be Alfred Becker (Joseph Cotten of The Survivor). The other characters know little about Becker, but the audience will have no problem figuring out who he really is. One has to deal with some leaps of logic, as Becker seems to refurbish the castle in a matter of days. The murder sequences are violent, but nothing over the top, and the best scene probably has to do with the poor caregiver Fritz (Luciano Pigozzi of Naked You Die) being placed in a variation of a sharply-spiked iron maiden. 

Joseph Cotten

The movie was filmed at an actual castle on the outskirts of Vienna, which certainly adds oodles of atmosphere to the production. In addition to the murders, there's a climax in a Chamber of Horrors, although this sequence is too brief to be as effective as intended. The actors, including Sommer, are good enough, and Joseph Cotten, who never chews the scenery but exudes quiet, charming menace, adds a touch of distinction to the proceedings. Umberto Raho (of Terror-Creatures from the Grave) appears briefly as a police inspector. Vincent Price and Ray Milland, both of whom had appeared in Poe adaptations, were considered for the title role but Cotten agreed to play the part when the others couldn't. 

Verdict: Despite some good scenes and eerie moments, the picture is a little disjointed -- perhaps due to post-production tampering -- and just misses being a really good horror film. **3/4.  

CITADEL

Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Richard Madden

CITADEL (2023 - 2026 TV series/Amazon Prime). 

A spy organization called Citadel has essentially been wiped out by a criminal cartel called Manticore. Citadel agents, including Mason Kane (Richard Madden of Eternals) and Nadia Sinh (Priyanka Chopra Jonas), have had their minds wiped and been given new identities. Mason was married to Nadia, but in his new identity is married to Abby (Ashleigh Cummings). The Citadel agents practically kill each other until their original identities are brought back via a special injection. Meanwhile Bernard Orlick (Stanley Tucci), is doing his best to gather all of the surviving Citadel agents together to take on Manticore, which still wants to exterminate them all. At the end of the first season, Mason discovers that the head of Manticore is his own mother, Dahlia (Lesley Manville). 

Stanley Tucci

In the second season, which didn't come out until nearly three years after the first, the main storyline deals with attempts to (supposedly) stop the assassination of the Russian president, so that the "right" people can employ his state-of-the-art spy satellites. The villain in this is Paulo Braga (Gabriel Leone), who plans to send an assassin outfitted with a chip in the brain that can control a person's mind. Mason winds up in an uncomfortable alliance with his evil mother. Mason and Nadia are also enveloped in a real love-hate relationship while he tries to deal with his feelings for both Nadia and Abby (both women have young daughters with Mason).

Citadel could be written off as a confusing mess if it weren't for the fact that it has many exciting and suspenseful moments and is very well acted, especially by Tucci and Leone. Reportedly the budget for this show, one of the most expensive ever made, was over 300 million, and much of it shows in the lavish look of the globe-hopping series. At times the ultra-fast editing is a little too frenetic, however, so you can't always follow who's beating up whom, although the fight scenes are generally well-choreographed (if not as well as in those old cliffhanger serials). Entertaining enough while you're watching it, you will probably forget Citadel the moment you turn if off -- it's all stuff and nonsense. Although it tries in some ways to ape the Tom Cruise Mission: Impossible films, it is not on the same level. By the time of the final season two episode, two of the leads have been written out of the program. 

Verdict: Somehow I doubt that there will be a third season of Citadel, a modern-day take on The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (read Citadel for UNCLE and Manticore for THRUSH). **3/4. 

THE FINAL GIRLS

THE FINAL GIRLS (2015). Director: Todd Strauss-Schulson. 

Max (Taissa Farmiga) is the daughter of the late actress, Nancy (Malin Akerman), whose claim to fame was appearing in Camp Bloodbath twenty years earlier. Max is importuned to go with Chris (Alexander Ludwig), a boy she has a crush on, to a special showing of the film and its sequel. When a fire breaks out in the theater, Max, Chris and other friends escape through a hole in the screen and inexplicably wind up in the movie, where Max encounters her own mother, who is now about her age. Max and the others are hoping that the killer of the film, the tormented Billy turned maniac, will not go after them, but on that they are wrong. Meanwhile, as in You Might Be the Killer, there's an argument over which of the ladies will be the "final girl" who will kill Billy. 

While one could argue that the premise of Final Girls is somewhat clever, the execution is another story. The movie doesn't wallow in gore, but aside from one creepy and suspenseful sequence, it doesn't do much else. The acting is competent, but the screenplay becomes incredibly silly. A slow-motion chase sequence just when the film should be most exciting makes no sense at all. 

The cast of Final Girls

The movie, vastly overpraised, supposedly engenders some moments of "emotional depth" (having to do with mother and daughter, I suppose) but this is probably because the average slasher film fanatic wouldn't know emotional depth if it bit them on ass. We never learn if there were any survivors of what appears to be a terrible fire, and none of these young people even bother to ask -- so much for depth. One sequence is backed up by Kim Carnes choking out "Bette Davis Eyes." Ultimately, you can hardly wait for the film to just be over. It's like the cinematic equivalent of a Young Adult horror novel, and not one of the better ones. Outtakes make it clear that the cast had more fun making the movie than we did watching it. 

Verdict: A promising idea that quickly turns to schlock. *3/4.